Saying What You Mean

By Gayle North

 “You should say what you mean,” the March Hare went on. “I do,” Alice hastily replied; - - at least I mean what I say.” 

                          - Lewis Carol, Alice in Wonderland

Do you know what you’re saying?  Of course you do.  Otherwise you wouldn’t be saying it, right?  If you say something to me, your message is passing between us.  For the message to be received it requires both of us to participate.

It seems like communication between two people should be straight forward doesn’t it?  Yet how often do we get the idea that our message wasn’t heard or wasn’t understood?  It may even seem like the other person is just impossible to communicate with. This problem helps keep therapists busy.

We sometimes confuse our intention with the results we get.  Some people assume their part of the communication is finished when think they have said what they meant to say.   We just naturally expect people to understand what we mean. 

Talk/Listen

Without a listener there is no dialogue.  That means no effective communication. How do you know if I received the message you intended? 

If you cannot listen well, you will not know for sure that I got your point.  Watching is also part of listening. You will probably wait for some sign that I understand what you just said – maybe a comment, a gesture that indicates I got your message.   If you don’t wait for confirmation and just assume that I got your message clearly there is trouble brewing.

How We Say It

We all know it is not just about the words.  There is just as much meaning derived from how something is said as what is said.  All great actors know that how a line is delivered is just as important as knowing the line itself. 

Imagine yourself with a realtor who is trying to sell you a house. If you are leaning forward and talking slowly and they are leaning back and talking fast it is likely that the rapport between you will be weak.  It will result in no sale. And it’s interesting that you and the realtor may be mystified about exactly what turned you off.  It just won’t “feel right” to you.

Personal Dictionaries

We forget that everyone has their own personal dictionary of words, terms, and voice tonality.  Each of us has a very personal interpretation of everything we hear.   As you become more aware of this fact and notice things that the others do and say, you will have clues about how their own dictionary and frequencies are set up.  Once you have this information, you can communicate, keeping their unique perceptions in mind.  The result will be more understanding and more cooperation.

Three Sensory Frequencies

We communicate (talk and listen) using our personal dominant sensory frequencies (visual, auditory, and kinesthetic).  If you are mismatching the frequency of the person with whom you are trying to communicate, either with your words or your tone or your body language, as in the example of the realtor, the rapport and the communication link will be broken.

The art of persuasion is an interesting topic and we will be exploring various aspects of it in the next few articles.   We can enhance every area of our life with more effective language patterns and a deeper understanding of sensory frequencies and personal dictionaries.

Gayle North  offers Personal Coaching for Positive Change using recently developed empowerment technologies to clear mental and emotional blocks that keep people stuck in unhealthy habits and prevent them from performing at their highest potential  in school, sports, relationships, work and finance. Call 406-837-1214 to learn how you can STOP SMOKING IN ONE HOUR and for coaching in person or by phone.

changeiseasy@montanasky.net                  www.PositiveChangeInstitute.com